FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Bozeman, MT -- April 1, 2017 -- In a shocking turn of events, Pulsara's former VP of Development, Erich Hannan, has recklessly abandoned his team to pursue his alternative, competitive solution to the care coordination platform.
"You know, we've been hearing a lot of feedback about the Pulsara platform from potential users," said Hannan. "Eventually, I started listening to the naysayers. I simply want to cater to the sitters and stayers (as opposed to the movers and shakers) of healthcare. I've had it up to here with 'building the vehicle to the future' and 'innovating' and all that bull hockey!"
Pulsara's sales team was able to provide direct quotes of some of the feedback and objections Hannan was referring to. They included things like:
- "But we've always done healthcare this way. We don't need some new-fangled "app" to improve our care! Who does Pulsara think they are??"
- "Our times are just fine."
- "Pagers and fax machines and phone trees and sticky note scribbles work. We've been using them since the beginning of healthcare itself. Why give it all up for something that's only been around for a matter of years? Seems risky. Remember when all the kids were excited about this new 'Amazon' thing? Yeah! Look how that turned out!" (Pulsara has since alerted this individual to the booming success of the Amazon platform -- a service which the individual now uses religiously).
- "Who else believes in this wizard-y stuff called 'The Cloud?' For those of us in IT, it's a lot easier to just say 'Not even once.' It's worked for the war on drugs!"
- "It's too expensive. Sure, we might be paying way more in the long run because of our increased lengths of stay, archaic communications equipment, false activations, etc, but still. We don't want to pay money for a platform that's basically an APP! It's too simple!"
According to Pulsara's most recent hire, Audrey Peart, "I've actually known about Erich's plans for a long time. It was bizarre -- he just sort of opened up to me one day and now he won't stop ranting about his new system and how it's going to take healthcare back to where it belongs -- the 'olden days.'"
Peart revealed that Hannan's new service involves "giving the people exactly what they want ... only more of it." So, what exactly does that mean? "Carrier pigeons. Literally, carrier pigeons." said Peart.
Hannan's new platform replaces the archaic technology hospitals and EMS teams are currently using and gives them older technology such as carrier pigeons and telegraph services. "They want tradition ... so that's EXACTLY what I'm delivering. Oh, and for all those darn millennials who just can't live without their cell phones, our service replaces their smartphones with Motorola Razrs!" said Hannan.
Hannan has reported that his service costs hospitals a whopping $5 million per year, and EMS teams pay around $1 million. "It takes a lot of man-power to train all those carrier pigeons and telegraph delivery people. But when it comes to tradition, no cost is too high. This is what healthcare is comfortable with."
But what about the effects on time-to-treatment? "Oh yeah, that has been staggering," said Luke Davison, Head of Marketing for Hannan's new company. "We're talking, like, 54% changes in D2N and D2B times!" Sources have confirmed that those "changes" refer to increases in the time it takes to deliver life-saving treatment.
"This basically takes the guess work involved in healthcare communication and completely separates the two ... in that it's all guess work and no communication," said Kelly Meredith, former Client Experience Specialist for Pulsara and current Pigeon Trainer under Hannan.
Hannan's new service, MiscommuniCare, has even more plans for the future.
"If you think we're anti-innovative with V1, consider the other possibilities ... petroglyphs and smoke signals. We're making vintage cool," snorted Hannan while he texted his family about tonight's dinner reservations made on Open Table before their concert purchased on Fandango, "I gotta go, my Uber is waiting outside."