Pulsara Key Competitor Claims Nation-Wide Market Share [Press Release]

 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

BOZEMAN, April 1, 2018 /PRWIRENEWS/ — Mainframe Systems, Inc. (NYSC: UGH) today announced that they will be competing head-to-head with Pulsara in the real-time communications and care coordination space against Pulsara.

From their marketing literature, Mainframe Systems, Inc. promises to “keep Healthcare just the way it’s always been” and “with tradition on our side, we’re committed to the status quo.”

Their product, dubbed “SNEAKER COMMS” has been on the market since the dawn of healthcare. Unfortunately for Pulsara, this has been quite a blow to the 2018 Q1 projections. In their marketing pitch, Mainframe Systems CEO, Lames Goodson, explained “SNEAKER COMMS does all the things Pulsara’s app version does … but manually.”

With IT due diligence becoming a burdensome and resource-intense feat for all parties, Mainframe System, Inc. has teamed up with a major athletic company (that rhymes with “crikey”) to create top performance athletes. These applicants are vetted by an athletic recruitment team to ensure physical capability to carry out all the required tasks in the same amount of time like Pulsara.

“We realized we were just hearing ‘NO’ too much. There’s a new role, Chief No Officers, who are increasingly panicked about the role of technology in healthcare,” said Mainframe Systems Chief Technology Officer, Brich Bannan. “As such, we had to get creative to stay relevant.”

So what kinds of duties will the SNEAKER COMMS perform for the hospitals that adopt the … er, technology? It starts in the field. When a medic activates a case, the SCs must sprint at the upper echelon of human ability to get the alert to the ED nurse. If they drop, crinkle, or otherwise damage the picture of the ECG or stroke droop face on the way, they are required to sit through a lecture with the Hospital’s Chief No Officers on security, compliance, and the importance of time during medical emergencies.

After the sprint to the ED, the SNEAKER COMMS must then wait on the word from the ED nurse. She wants the cardiologist to confirm it’s a STEMI? The SC must hurdle up the 7 flights of stairs to the Cardiologist’s office and — without breathing too hard so as to ensure clear communication — quickly get her opinion.

Once the STEMI is confirmed, the cardiologist will then ask the SC to activate the cath lab. Back down 4 floors without tripping over the nurses speeding through the trauma unit to the cath lab. While preparing the lab, they must also locate each member of the cath team and relay the message, ensure they are fed, well rested, have urinated recently, are sober and on-site, and otherwise ready to operate … while also predicting what restaurant they’ll want to take their sweeties to for dinner on their next day off and securing reservations.

“The beauty of this is that there are no chances for security breaches. No hacking of computers, no Facebook spying on me in the background and selling my patient info to political campaigns, and no worrying about losing the signal in rural areas!” explained Dean Gorgan, the CNO (Chief No Officer) of Montana Memorial Hospital.

“Can a communication platform do that??” scoffed one C-Suite Executive, Tess Hilbert. “I don’t THINK so! No more switching ‘Apps’ to transition from work to play,” she explained while maniacally wiggling her fingers in the air, mimicking quotation marks. “This is purely human-powered. NOW THAT’S CONNECTED TEAMS!”

But for the SCs, the work doesn’t stop there. While the patient is in the cath lab, all other members of the care team — including EMS, the ED nurse, the House Supervisor, and others — want to know the status of the patient. So, SNEAKER COMMS must sprint to find and update each of these key players, each time returning to the cath lab to ensure their latest status report is up to date before relaying the message again. Oh, and they need to ensure they are speaking in hushed, but clear voices so no patient data is overheard by the wrong party. And of course, no technology allowed. Because … security.

“They’re worried about information stored on devices, or hackers, or other things we literally have safeguards against, but they’re relentless. Hence, the pivot to a complete and utter LACK of all technology. Because humans are totally secure and fail proof … right?” asked Kevyn Dunningham, Senior DevOps Engineer for Mainframe Systems between fitful bouts of GoldenTee glory. “I mean, it makes my job a lot easier. Unlike the Pulsara platform that reduces treatment times for stroke by up to 46%, I basically just drink frappuccinos and play this here magical golfin’ game.”

Finally, the case is stopped and the SNEAKER COMMS must again track down all parties involved in the care of the patient and provide the news, as well as perform a lecture to each department about the things that they could have done better. And don’t forget EMS! Even though the EMS team that dropped the patient off is sometimes 60 miles away from the hospital, getting EMS feedback is crucial to improving performance. So, the SCs make the long trek to deliver the case stopped update to the medics.

"It's not that we're against mobile technology,” explained Tess Hibert, “With our MDM software, we're able to lock it down so that it is super safe. In fact, without the ability to send or receive signals, we have virtually no threat. We don't even provide a charging cable with our mobile technology. Since we don't allow them to communicate on it, there's no reason for to it be turned on."